Being a middle child in the family may not seem like a very big problem to an average person. However many middle children today still feel the conflicts and anguish that can arise from the pressure of being in between an older sibling and a younger sibling.
I was about 12 years old when I first noticed something was different between myself and my older sister, Rachel and my younger sister, Meg. Rachel was 15 whilst Meg was 7. The age gaps weren’t too big between us, but there was still a gap – and I was still in between.
However I must stress that there has never been a point where I’ve felt ungrateful for having two sisters. I enjoyed the company and being able to spend time with them as a child, and of course having sisters meant we could share gossip together and talk about girly things. But by the age of 12, I felt myself constantly making comparisons against them and the way my parents treated them. I would notice how Meg was always being called “sweet” and “the baby” who couldn’t do anything for herself and constantly received little presents. Rachel was always praised for anything she did, from grades she received at school to the way she dressed. Being in between them both I felt like I had to try twice as hard to get the attention from my parents. I wanted to be cute like Meg yet successful like Rachel.
However I am not alone in my convictions of being a middle child. New research has shown that birth order can have an influence on personality. “The Baby Website” (www.thebabywebsite.com) conducted polls using 1000 parents and 1000 children to answer questions on being a middle child.
Incredibly, 4 out of 10 parents found it so difficult trying to treat their three children equally that they would recommend other parents to just have two. The results also revealed that 50% of the children felt they were treated differently to their other siblings when growing up, whilst 47% felt they had to fight to get their parents attention. The results reveal what many middle children already believe about their family. Both parents and children feel there is no genuine role for the second child to play within the family unit. Being the first born in the family, the eldest child will already have a special relationship with their parents. Whilst being the youngest means being the last born so they adopt the role being the baby of the family. As a result, the child in the middle feels left out.
Being a middle child myself, I find this research fascinating and can relate it back to the experiences and feelings I had whilst I was growing up and partially still do today. As cruel as it may seem to my parents I still feel as though my parents love Rachel and Meg more than myself, and would give more up more of their time, love and attention for either of them.
Before I discovered this research however, I believed I was alone in my suspicions of preferential treatment. Having grown up now and approached the subject with many of my friends I find all those who were middle children felt as though they received less love and attention from their parents. “I’m sick of hand-me-downs” my friend James once complained to me “I get the clothes my older brother has grown out of but then my younger brother will just get new clothes bought for him.”
This common problem also used to be one for me too. By the time Rachel had grown out of her clothes they were considered unfashionable but I still had to wear them anyway. The clothes were never passed down further to Meg however as by then they really were too out of date. As a teenager it hurt slightly to see both my sisters parading around in new garments whilst I was stuck in things I’d already seen my sister wearing for the past couple of years.
In addition, birth order can be seen to have an affect on the personalities of all three of the children. As the first-born is an only child for a period of time, it seems they become used to being the centre of attention, producing a personality that craves power and influence. The youngest child, having become used to being smaller and less competent than their other siblings, may develop into an adult who expects others to make decisions and take responsibility. The middle child, having experienced neither the rights nor freedoms of the elder child nor the special treatment of youngest, may consequently feel that life is unfair. They may also feel they are unloved or less loved than the others, and develop into an adult who suffers from a negative view in life.
To add further support to the conflicts of being a middle child, the concept has now been accepted within the expert field and is commonly identified by birth order theorist as “The Middle Child Syndrome”. The “syndrome” has offered an insight into the personality a middle child may have and why they experience feelings of being unwanted and attention seeking.
The explanation reveals that middle children fight to receive attention from parents or other people, because they feel at many times they are being ignored or dubbed as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle, a child can therefore start to feel insecure.
On the other hand this concept shouldn’t be taken too negatively. The Baby Website research suggests that that middle children actually fare better in life as a direct result of becoming more independent from an earlier age. A confounding 52% of middle children say they were ‘mothered’ less than their siblings, and therefore learnt things more quickly.
This means that more than a third were left alone to do their homework, but 45% of them now feel that out of the three children they are academically more advanced and consequently did better at school. (N.B I did find this to be very relevant too, I received 3 A’s at A-level whereas Rachel received 3 C’s)
Nearly half of middle children also go on to become the highest achievers career wise, finding themselves well-paid professional jobs. On the other hand when it comes to relationships, 26% claim that being a middle child has affected they way they have romantic relationships, with most being pushier to get what they want.
Overall, being a sibling is not at all that bad. You have a brother or sister to look up to and younger one who you can offer support and guidance. I do love my sisters very much but I can honestly say being a middle child is a situation that I don’t think any child should be put in. Myself and many other fellow middle children experienced jealousy and unequal love from our parents. And after all, three is an impossible number to divide.
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